Dear Straight Guys

Dear straight guys,
“I’m bisexual,” is not code for “I’m unfaithful in relationships.” Nor is it code for “I like threesomes.” Please get to know me, just as you would a straight girl, before you decide whether or not to date me. If we are a couple, you did not “straighten me out.” And if that’s your goal, our relationship will be a waste of time for the both of us. I know that a lot of you like to ignore the fact that your girlfriend will be attracted to other people, but dating me will require you to acknowledge that. If we’re watching a movie and you’re attracted to the leading actress, I might be attracted to her too. But chances are neither of us would say anything about it out of politeness.

Don’t automatically assume that I’m attracted to you because “bisexuals are attracted to everyone.” Just as you’re not attracted to every girl you see, I’m not attracted to everyone I see. That would be exhausting. I don’t owe you shit for liking me just because “not many guys would be willing to date a girl like me.” If your reasoning for liking me is because you want to be able to tell your friends that you hooked up with a bi girl, don’t expect me to comply and be flattered.

If you ask about my dating history and I am willing to tell you, please don’t visibly cringe or say that you “didn’t need to know that,” when I include the women. I already told you that I’m bi and you still thought it was a good idea to ask, so what the hell did you expect? Similarly, I have never met anyone who asked me if I like boys or girls better who didn’t have a “right answer” in mind. If I like you, you don’t need to me to say that I “like boys better,” for me to prove it.

If I’m the first bisexual woman you’ve ever had any type of relationship with, don’t expect me to always be thrilled to explain every nuance of my sexual orientation to you. Sometimes I just won’t have the patience to tell you how I knew I was bi, how many of each gender I’ve had sex with, how it’s even possible that I would like both, if I would date a trans or genderqueer person, and if I won’t be bi anymore if I marry someone. Depending on how close we are, a lot of those questions are none of your business. And, just like with any group that is different from you, don’t expect my answers that I am comfortable with giving you apply to every bisexual woman on the planet.

I am not “just doing it to turn you on.” Nor am I “actually straight but just want to fool around with girls.” Not everything is about you. Get over it. And yes, sex between two women is just as “real” as sex between a man and a woman. And to answer the eternal question, we use our hands, mouths, and vaginas. You do the rest of the math. And no, you can’t watch. I will not make out with a girl at a party on command just to entertain you or to “prove that I’m bisexual.”

However, if we’re friends I am completely cool with talking about girls together as long as we do it with respect. And you can be a good friend to me and increase your understanding of “how bisexuality works” by getting to know me just as you would anyone else, but understanding that my sexual orientation is an important part, but not the entire essence, of who I am. If you have said or done any of the things I mentioned in this, I just ask that you be aware of how your actions are perceived and work to change them. Though a lot of your kind have been pretty shitty to me and other girls like me, I have hope that with a little bit of education you can all do better.


2 thoughts on “Dear Straight Guys

  1. Well said! And bravo!

    Although you addressed this to “Straight guys”, I hope you let this “bent” guy comment 😉
    I find it intriguing how little people understand about bisexuality and what it means. And it baffles me that people are still hung-up on some of these things, but all you can do is assist in the understanding, right? I know for me, coming to terms with my sexuality late in life is a bit of a bitter-sweet reality and when I hear of the some of the difficulties that open bisexuals face, sometimes I wonder if I would have handled things so well if I were open and out a long time ago.

    Anyways, I really liked this statement you made: “… understanding that my sexual orientation is an important part, but not the entire essence, of who I am.” That hits the proverbial nail on the head!

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