The Ideal Food Service Worker if Such a Thing Existed

After having three jobs associated with preparing and serving food for people (including my current one making coffee for amusement park-goers) I have determined a few altered human attributes that would make someone perfect for the job. Because let’s face it, most customers don’t see us as real people anyway.

1. Permanent smile.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “make sure to smile” during my time in the food service industry I would probably have enough dollars to pay college tuition and for my semester in France that will hopefully happen because I’m not a particularly smiley person unless I have a reason to smile. To combat this problem the ideal food service worker would have a permanent smile in the same vein as one of my favorite literary heroes, Gwynplaine from L’homme Qui Rit. Or like the Joker if you’re not a French lit enthusiast.

2. Wings

Some people may not realize it but there is an awful lot of walking and standing around involved in the food industry. Whether you would rather hover than stand at the cash register or would like to fly from the kitchen to the table you’re waiting on, having a nice set of wings like the characters in that Maximum Ride series I liked when I was a kid would fix that.

3. Self-duplication Ability

One second you could be making a sandwich but then you have to run to the cash register because your co-worker is in the bathroom. For any other human this might be awkward, but the ideal food service worker’s instant self-duplication ability would solve that problem in an instant. When they don’t need the clone anymore, it can simply be ‘re-absorbed and called upon for later use.

4. Scaly hands

Since normal skin can get burned or cut by so many things in the food preparation environment. If you’re clumsy like me, this can become a pretty regular thing. That’s why our creation would have scales on their hands to keep them protected from injury.

5. Feels no Emotions Except Happy to Serve You

Because that’s what it’s supposed to look like. But let’s be honest, there are some days when that just can’t happen. Hell, sometimes the smile isn’t even enough to convince them. That’s why our person designed for the industry would feel like a peppy version of the emotion-less cybermen from Doctor Who.

6. Mind-Reading

Because it’s totally our fault when the guy said he wanted his iced tea sweetened but actually meant unsweetened and we should have known better, dammit. If only we could read people’s minds and know exactly what they want.

7. Self-Washing Hands

We all know that just about anything can contaminate food. Whenever you scratch that awful itch on your face, lick that tiny bit of whipped cream off your hand, move aside that hair that’s been dangling in front of your eyes…yeah you get the picture…it’s another trip to the hand-washing sink. If hands could self-clean whenever they came in contact with certain surfaces it would save a lot of time and make food a lot more sanitary.

8. Fingers That Squirt Condiments

Never run out of whipped cream, chocolate sauce, caramel, mayo, ketchup, guacamole, mustard, ranch dressing, peanut butter, melted cheese, or anything else that needs to go on the food you make.

I couldn’t think of any pictures for the last three.

I think we can all come to the conclusion that the perfect person for a food service job would not be a human at all. Customers, this is why you should try your best to not be assholes to your sandwich makers, barristas, waiters, and cashiers. Our jobs are a lot harder than they look from the outside.


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