A Few Gems From the Hellfire Preacher on Campus I Heckled Today

Warning: sexist, homophobic, cissexist, islamophobic, and ableist language.

So today on my college campus we had another visit from a group of bible thumpers. They spent several hours in the diag spewing misinformation and hellfire. When I had a break between classes, I decided to watch the train wreck, along with a growing crowd of students. The man who spoke for the majority of the time I was there put on a lab coat and claimed that he was a “sex therapist” and spread sexism and misinformation about sex while many of us protested.

  • To a woman who spoke to him: “Get back in your place!”
  • “Ladies, on your honeymoon make sure to lie on your back so your husband doesn’t get your vagina confused with your anus.”
  • “I described the penis as banana-like, but remember that it is not a banana. It is not something you eat. It is not something you suck on like a lollipop either.”
  • “Many of you are probably diagnosed with clinical depression. You have been told that there is a chemical imbalance in your brain. That is a lie. You don’t have to be depressed, you need to cheer up.”
  • “Feminism has succeeded in emasculating men and making you SENSITIVE and in touch with your FEELINGS.”
  • “We men make a lot of sacrifices so you women can have babies. Like when the baby cries and the mother has to go feed it, it interrupts the father’s sleep.”
  • “Here is a list of Islamic countries that value love and freedom.” *holds up blank white board.* Student:
  • *uses a power strip to demonstrate that penis-vagina sex “works better” than same-genital sex.*
  • “Before you are married, your penis should be used only for urination. But after you’re married your penis becomes an organ of reproduction.”
  • “Ladies, I can’t help but notice that some of you are a bit flat-chested. God is working on your personalities. I also notice that those of you with larger breasts seem a bit dizzier than those with smaller breasts.”
  • “Now, most men aren’t like Obama. Most men are like Bill Clinton. He’s married to the so-called most intelligent woman in the world, but he preferred Monica Lewinsky and her large breasts. Most men are like that.”
  • Student: So if God’s ‘working on my personality because I have small tits, is he working on yours because you clearly have a dick the size of a jelly bean? Him: This young lady was probably fantasizing about me last night!
  • Student: You’re saying that women are made for men? Him: Yes. Women were made for men.
  • When the sperm goes up the fallopian tubes, the ovary releases an egg.
  • Right before you have sex your penis becomes more like a cucumber than a banana.
  • *Gives long talk about anatomy* Student: what about the clitoris? Him: We have more important things to talk about. Me: but the clitoris is very important!

One thought on “A Few Gems From the Hellfire Preacher on Campus I Heckled Today

  1. 1. Which part of this post is Islamophobic? I don’t see it.
    2. This is quite surreal. I am assuming this is an American college campus. This stuff would never fly as a person like this would never be allowed to preach this stuff on campus and even if he did, he (she) would be laughed at, shouted down or even beaten.

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